A message from your biological father

Hi all,

Once again, it's been a while since I've posted on the ole' blog.  I'd like to apologize, as I've been away conceiving your soon-to-be sister.

In between thrusts, I've been writing a novel.  I'm not releasing details yet, but I will soon.  Better believe it will be fucking awesome though!

P.S.  I checked my E-mail, and I  have a few more of my "Classifieds Trolling" stories that I will post soon.  In the meantime, ration this small post - as it is all I have for now. - RG

One Million Morons

I was browsing Facebook today, when I came across a link that a friend of mine had posted.  It was an article written by the "One Million Moms" project - a branch of the the American Family Association (I know, they spelled "Self Righteous Tyrant" wrong).  OMM is essentially a group of conservative, bible thumping old hags, with nothing better to do then try to make the rest of the world as miserable as them.  Their approach is what makes it golden.  Golden...as in black swastika on a red and white field.

In a nutshell, the article was about one of their "current issues": Ellen Degeneres being the new spokesperson for JC Penny.  Allow me to share some direct quotes from the article:

"Funny that JC Penney thinks hiring an open homosexual spokesperson will help their business when most of its customers are traditional families"

and

"Degeneres is not a true representation of the type of families who shop at the retailer. The small percentage of customers they are attempting to satisfy will not offset their loss in sales by offending the majority."


If you are a decent human being, you will understand the complete audacity that these conservative nazis had posting this.  If not, go away - forever.  Needless to say, I felt it was necessary to send them an E-mail:


Hello One Million Moms,

I just finished reading your article regarding the current JC Penny issue. I wanted to state that prior to reading it, I had no idea that an openly homosexual woman had become the spokesperson for JC Penny. This is definitely against tradition, and will undoubtedly make me think twice before I try on my next pair of blue jeans.

What is JC Penny thinking? What would possibly make them think that hiring a successful entertainer to be their spokesperson, would satisfy us, the customers? Did they not even consider the fact that us close-minded members of One Million Moms would be offended by this?

Holy Head-up-the-ass syndrome Batman!

I actually look forward to a JC Penny boycott. It's quite exciting to know that the members of OMM will be teaming up together, while simultaneously creating an enjoyable shopping environment for those who don't discriminate. It would operate like any other day of operation for JC Penny, except there wouldn't be any cranky old ladies getting in my way, trailing the smell of their retired snatch wagons around the store.

All in all OMM, I commend your efforts to create a better environment for JC Penny. As the great Abraham Lincoln once said, "nobody likes old ladies who are jealous that a lesbian is making much more money than their entire organization will ever pull in".

Kindest Regards

In the unlikely event that I receive a reply - I'll be sure to share. RG

Free Firewood

Being an asshole on Craigslist has become quite the hobby of mine while sitting at work, bored.  I'm sure what makes it so fun - but it is.

Here, I bring out the hidden monster of what appeared to be a kind woman.

Original ad:

"Just cut down 3 oak trees, and giving away wood for free.  MUST CUT YOUR OWN WOOD.  THE WOOD IS NOT CUT YET, SO COME READY TO CHOP."

From: Sal Weddle <salweddle@gmail.com>
Subject: Firewood
To: sale-************@craigslist.org
Date: Saturday, December 24, 2011, 5:30 PM

Hi,

Any chance I could have you cut some of the wood for me?  I am missing my left arm, and unable to use a tool that would be able to suffice in this process.

Thanks.


On Sat, Dec 24, 2011 at 6:34 PM, Ms ******* <*********luv@yahoo.com> wrote:
Well, I have a bad back. That is why I am offering it to someone. If you can't come and cut it sorry.

Kitty
Reach me at *******-8973

From: Sal Weddle <salweddle@gmail.com>
Subject: Re: Firewood
To: Ms ******* <*********luv@yahoo.com>
Date: Monday, December 26, 2011, 6:59 PM

That's unfortunate.  I was asking if you could help, as I'd rather not have to drag my brother along with me.  His doctor says his condition prevents him from being able to do physical work without extreme pain in his lower abdomen, but fortunately for us, he lacks vocal chords and is unable to make any forms of audible noise when said pain occurs, that may bother us as we work.

When would be a good time for Thadeus and I to come by and chop?

On Mon, Dec 26, 2011 at 8:22 PM, Ms ******* <*********luv@yahoo.com> wrote:
Well, don't worry about chopping wood, you would be the last person I would allow come to my place. As I stated in my reply email, I CAN'T CUT IT EITHER, MY DR. WON'T ALLOW ME TO DO ANY PHYSICAL WORK!
Don't bother to email me back.

Kitty
Reach me at ******8973

On Mon, Dec 26, 2011 at 8:34 PM, Sal Weddle <salweddle@gmail.com> wrote:
Ms ********,

I immediately took your conditions into consideration, and would not in a million years expect you to chop any of the wood.  Thadeus has already agreed to help in doing so, and is very excited to get out of his cage.

While I appreciate your concern in whether I am able to handle the physical work myself, I assure you that I am quite capable.  While I will be letting Thadeus do most of the work, I will be keeping up with him as much as my left arm will let me.

I am however concerned upon the fact that you seem to have grown slightly hostile.  I apologize if our handicaps have offended you - believe me, we don't like them either.  I do hope that you reconsider your generous offer, and think of us as equals.

Faithfully yours, and hopefully warm this winter,

-Sal.


On Tue, Dec 27, 2011 at 6:06 PM, Sal Weddle <salweddle@gmail.com> wrote:

I'm sorry it has come to this Ms. *******, but this has gone too far.  Your discrimination against handicapped people is utterly disgusting, and being brought to the proper attention.

Under the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA), it is prohibited to place discrimination on the basis of disability.

Seeing as you initiated our meeting with such a generous offer, I am willing to allow you to redeem yourself, before actions are taken. 

All I want is to keep my brother and I warm this winter, and I find it preposterous that your hatred might possibly prevent this from happening.

Hoping you come to your senses,

-Sal

On Mon, Dec 27, 2011 at 6:56 PM, Ms ******* <*********luv@yahoo.com> wrote:

You and your freak brother can burn in hell.  tell that to the ada.

Kitty
Reach me at ******8973

On Tue, Dec 28, 2011 at 8:04 AM, Sal Weddle <salweddle@gmail.com> wrote:

Ms. *******

Are you implying that you're going to give us the firewood to stay warm?

The iPad Grinch

Hello all,

As you may or may not have noticed (fuck you if you're in the latter), I have not posted a new blog entry in quite some time.  Over the course of the past few months, I have moved into a new home and acquired a new work schedule.  I'm still getting adjusted, but I assure you I will be back.

Something to look forward to though: I've been trolling my local classified ads lately as of late, and gathered quite a few interesting stories.  I'll be sharing these in the future, but here's an example of one from last Friday (keep in mind, the day before Christmas eve).  Also, I am “Sal Weddle”

Here’s the original add that was posted:

“Want to buy and iPad today. Has to have wi/fi availability and be reasonably priced. Please send details or call *** ***-8900”

----- Original Message -----

From: Sal Weddle

To: mailto:sale-4hcj2-2767901381@craigslist.org

Sent: Saturday, December 24, 2011 3:03 PM

Subject: WANT TO BUY an iPad - Need it today ! - $1 (ORLANDO)

Hello,

I am selling my mom's iPad.  It has only been used once or twice, I'm not sure exactly.  She's only had it for 2 days.

It is a 16gb, black, with wifi.  I will let it go for $480

On Sat, Dec 24, 2011 at 3:49 PM, <***********@earthlink.net wrote:

Where are you located?  Does it have the box and all?  Could you live with $450?

Give a call....*** *** - 8900

Art

From: Sal Weddle

To:  mailto:sale-4hcj2-2767901381@craigslist.org

Sent: Saturday, December 24, 2011 4:03 PM

Subject: Re: WANT TO BUY an iPad - Need it today ! - $1 (ORLANDO)

I am located in Winter Park.  I could live with $450 for sure, as it is not my iPad.  I am unsure as to the status of the box, and I can't ask my mother about it, or she will know I am selling it.  

I will do what I can to find the box, and get back to you.  Where would be a good place to meet up?

On Sat, Dec 24, 2011 at 4:08 PM, **********@earthlink.net> wrote:

If it's her iPad, and she doesn't know your are selling it, I'm not sure I'd be comfortable with that.

----- Original Message -----

From: Sal Weddle

To: *******@earthlink.net

Sent: Saturday, December 24, 2011 4:12 PM

Subject: Re: WANT TO BUY an iPad - Need it today ! - $1 (ORLANDO)

I can definitely understand your concern there.  Please understand though that my mother suffers from severe dementia, and more than likely, will not even remember owning this iPad come another week.  At that point, we will be putting it up for sale anyways.

It's your call.

On Sat, Dec 24, 2011 at 4:22 PM, ******@earthlink.net wrote:

I don't have to have it today.... Let me know when it a better time to sell it.

----- Original Message -----

From: Sal Weddle

To: **********@earthlink.net

Sent: Saturday, December 24, 2011 4:27 PM

Subject: Re: WANT TO BUY an iPad - Need it today ! - $1 (ORLANDO)

My apologies,

I thought that you needed it today, since that's what your ad stated.  I'd prefer to get rid of this as soon as possible, so that I can buy my mom the new iPhone 4S.  How about I throw in the protective case for it, and we call it a deal for $460.

On Sat, Dec 24, 2011 at 4:38 PM, **********@earthlink.net wrote:

I did, but it's just getting too late in the day...Company coming soon.  I found one in unopened box for 450 anyway...but still too late to get it today...its a 1/2 hour ride away.  These are only 499 from the store and with that I have the option to return it if something were to happen.  Without a box and given the circumstances, I would only be willing to go $400 for yours. It's just not worth saving 40 bucks to not have the comfort level of a new,store bought unit. 

Thanks,

----- Original Message -----

From: Sal Weddle

To: **********@earthlink.net

Sent: Saturday, December 24, 2011 4:47 PM

Subject: Re: WANT TO BUY an iPad - Need it today ! - $1 (ORLANDO)

Well lucky for you, I desperately need to get this iPhone 4S.  My mother is a huge techy, and is absolutely obsessed with "Siri".  How about $400, with the case, and I'll throw in a signed copy of Lenny Kravitz's "Mama says" album.

I don't mean to be cold, but it would be quite unkind for you to lead me on this long, and then completely ruin my mother's Christmas.  Please be supportive, and not a Grinch.

On Sat, Dec 24, 2011 at 4:56 PM, **********@earthlink.net wrote:

OK--- I'll buy it for $400.  Just need to know that it has the accessories and has wi/fi,  right?  Can you meet somewhere around down town Orlando?  I'm gonna be pressed for time. 

 

----- Original Message -----

From: Sal Weddle

To: **********@earthlink.net

Sent: Saturday, December 24, 2011 5:32 PM

Subject: Re: WANT TO BUY an iPad - Need it today ! - $1 (ORLANDO)

hi sir or ma'am

this is sals mother.  im sorry about what he has set you up for.  i might not know what to do with this ipad all of the time, but hes not taking it from me.  

again, sorry.  im putting him in time out for quite some time.but you sir are a fucking asshole.  robbing an old woman before Christmas????  go to hell you monster.

Needless to say, I didn't get a reply after this.  More to come soon.

-RG

The adventures of Bing

Today while I was avoiding work and surfing a discussion board on the internet, a man posted multiple off the wall topic discussions.  As I do not have permission to use his name, he will be referred to from now on as "Bing".  While I give Bing credit for both his enthusiasm as well as his creativity, his English is a little...off.  Each time I saw one of his topics arise,  I stopped myself from being myself (a dickhead), and bit my tongue.  Eventually, it built up inside of me and I slipped. 

His topic was: "What is evil world? And how many other worlds are there? And how did you know?" [sic]

The obvious, and only true answer:

There are approximately forty-two other planets in the universe, twelve of which contain life-forms. One of these planets, specifically, contains such a variety of life - it is truly amazing. The creatures range from small mole likes creatures that travel in packs of three, to large dragon type brutes that fly the open skies. During my time on this specific planet, I made friends with a small monster that resembled an earthling mouse. We didn't get along at first, but we came to be best friends. During our time together we teamed up to tame other forms of wild beasts, as well as fended off the evil gangs that controlled the planet.

I know all of this, because Pikachu is my best friend, and I just had to catch them all.

While I received replies of "lulz", there was one man right in center who's broken English was still able to have been interpreted as slightly less than tickled.  While I entered this information in a reply to his question as a means of answering it with a credible source, Bing sought to find the subliminal message in it, and confronted me.

After twenty minutes of back and forth messaging, Bing finally got his point across.  From what I gathered, Bing only appreciated serious answers, as the questions he asked were very serious.  I apologized to Bing, and expressed my sincerity in attempting to fine tune my future responses in such matters.

Ten minutes go by, and oh look.. Bing has started a new discussion.  Let's see if this is a little more...nope...for fuck's sake.


"Somethings that you wouldn't do.  Say it out now." [sic]

Now it was never my goal to piss Bing off, but apparently it is a god-given ability of mine.  All I wanted was to fit in, and answer his logical queries with responses at, or close to the same level of logic.  Makes sense, right?  My reply:

I would never eat green eggs and ham. I'm a pretty big fan of eggs, and I absolutely love ham...but that little Sam I am bimbo will not convince me that 'going green' applies to my beloved breakfast. Go away Sam I am! Go away!

Within minutes, an unwarranted message arrives.  Mr. Bing sends me a final message for the evening, wishing me a good evening, as well as offering incentives for me to be involved in future posts! ...or at least that's what I made out of  "I hope you are happy with tonight.  Only stupid one and coward one would"

How are you, stranger?

How has it become an established form of showing one's geniality, by asking "hey, how are you?"...and then walking away before a response is heard?  Or better yet, asking this to a complete stranger, when both parties involved know damn well that the other does not give a single shit.  I understand it is a greeting or acknowledgement of association...but why? 

Each time I am asked one of these counterfeit greetings, it makes me want to microwave a small puppy.  Seeing as this reaction would be severely frowned upon, and hardly worth the pleasure it would bring to me, I instead react in a more socially accepted way.  Here's an example:

The other night, I was standing in line at the supermarket with only a bottle of Exedrin in my hand.  As any decent being with at least half of a functioning brain may have guessed - I had a splitting headache.  Not the dipshit in front of me me though.  He turns around to look at a magazine, see's me standing there, and says "how ya doin?".  My first reaction is of course the mental visualization of myself pushing the "reheat" button on my microwave, as three minutes and fifteen seconds should suffice as enough time to explode a small puppy.  My second reaction is to tell the gentleman that I am doing great, and that I always make trips to the store in the middle of the night to buy pain medication, as it is a hobby of mine.  But then I snap into reality, and realize that this man is clearly interested in my well-being, as he has asked how I am doing.  So I reply "I'm doing okay.  I went to the doctor today and found out that I have an iron deficiency".  He looked at me puzzled, and then turned back around.

By doing this, if I am able to make just one person stop and think "damn, maybe I shouldn't ask how people are", I will have done my job.  Also, small dogs around the world appreciate it.

Why can't things be left as simple as they should be, with a simple "hello", or even better, a smile or nod of the head?  By using one of these "simple" greetings, the best of both worlds are achieved.  From pretentious assholes to benevolent losers, all can be polite without putting up the bullshit facade that they (or you) actually care.  It's a beautiful concept that humanity is too stupid and unwilling to realize.  Unfortunately, humanity is so fucking lazy nowadays, we will more than likely be stuck with the process of acting and asking/answering questions we don't care about for the rest of time.  "Hey, how are you?  Please don't answer, as I do not care"   "I'm doing well, I also do not care how you are, but I'll ask anyways"

Maybe a future controlled by Skynet and their emotionless robots wouldn't be such a bad idea.  In the world of obligatory greetings, less is more.

Feminists Are Funny!

This past Saturday, my girlfriend surprised me with a life-long dream come true.  All of my life I have wanted to attend an event in which I neither fit the target audience in any form, nor did I actively promote the cause of said event.  I am happy to report that I was able to travel seventy miles on a Saturday night to attend a feminist movement.  Fuck.

 Alright, I can't put the blame on my girlfriend.  It was an easy extra-credit assignment for one of her classes, and she asked me to go with her.  Unfortunately, I had no idea that I had just signed up to be filed into an auditorium of about 200 people.  200 people being: 100 women, 10 men, and 90 "gals" that put both my buzz-cut and penis size to shame.  I felt like a black man that had accidentally walked into a Ku Klux Klan meeting, without a hood on.

On the topic of groups with ridiculous identity-hiding costumes - enter the Guerrilla Girls.

Now before I continue, I'd like to make it very clear that I fully support equal rights for women, as it makes me sound like a genuine person, and just may pardon a portion of my offensive behavior.

The Guerrilla Girls are, in a nutshell, a group of feminists that like to "prove that feminists are funny".  They each wear yellow jumpsuits, a gorilla mask, and perform under the names of dead women artists. Yes, it is as bizarre as it sounds.

During this presentation, and sequential longest hour of my life, I stared wide-eyed into the masks of three feminists as they threw bananas into the crowd, performed a rendition of Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" commuted to tell fat people that it is okay to eat like pigs, and instructed the audience to mad lib a song titled "We're not afraid of these words" (or something close to that), shouting only the words: LESBIAN, VAGINA, and FEMINIST.

Now there's two chemicals here:  feminism, and a parody of feminism.  It's not uncommon to find either of these in the world...but all together formed as one stance?  That just doesn't work.   

Example - A few years back, PETA gathered as many Hollywood faces as it could and launched a campaign against Kentucky Fried Chicken, mainly due to the fact that the chickens they raised were (believed to have been) handled violently, and killed in tortuously inhumane ways.  Seeing as this was a very serious matter to PETA, and that they wanted to be taken very seriously...there's one thing that was completely left out of the game plan - making it seem humorous.  This is the kind of shit that PETA lives for, what motive would there be to mock their own beliefs, and make themselves look like even bigger ass-hats than they already are?  Even PETA knows not to do something that moronic...and they're crazy enough to turn down a bucket of southern fried crispy chicken with a side of buttery biscuits!

Maybe the Guerilla Girls could use a lesson in Chemistry.  When you take a weak solute (their ability to push feminism as a serious subject), and add in a powerful solvent (the levity of the presentation), you get a solution more heavily influenced by the solvent in the reaction.

I would be lying if I said I was not entertained, as I spent a majority of the performance holding back (mostly inappropriate) laughter...but holy shit.  If there's ever been an example of how not to promote something you strongly believe in, this would take the banana bread cake.  -RG